


Swimming Lessons

by Arctic Banana (ArcticBanana)



Category: Transformers Generation One
Genre: Because I can, Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, It was funny when I was sleep dep at least, but hey is it any weirder than Carnage in C-Minor?, now I'm exhausted, obscure character cameo, weird premise I know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-06
Updated: 2014-08-06
Packaged: 2018-02-12 00:50:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2089464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcticBanana/pseuds/Arctic%20Banana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After an unfortunate incident involving a psychotic Dinobot and a lake, Seaspray learns that Sideswipe can't swim. He takes it upon himself to teach him, but unfortunately the task turns out to be a lot more difficult than he originally thought.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Swimming Lessons

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to try writing some characters I've never written before. I also threw in a certain obscure character in here just because I can.

Ah, the lake. A filthy, polluted mass of water that for some reason the humans couldn't get enough of as a hangout. The site of picnics, parties, and other such social gatherings, it was a place that no one who went there seemed to like yet everyone always made plans to go there every summer anyway. It was inevitable that the Autobots would eventually decide to try the area as a recreational spot at some point given their close relationship with human beings. Sideswipe found himself standing at the edge of a pier, staring into the murky water and feeling a little worried about the fact that he couldn't see beyond the surface. Who knew what kind of creatures were in there? Some human could jump in and find himself getting drowned by a kappa and probably no one would know because the water was so opaque.

And speaking of lake monsters, the Dinobots seemed to be content to scare every last non-metal being out of the water today. Twice Snarl rose slowly from the depths and scared the crap out of a human child who didn't know he was relaxing under the water like a prehistoric hippo, Sludge got confused for the Loch Ness Monster by some guy who seemed to be under the influence of some substance or another, and Slag and Grimlock's splashing was causing tidal waves on the shore that were not appreciated by many. The only one not bothering anyone was Swoop, who was flying just above the water's surface and skimming fish that swam too close to the edge for fun. They hadn't really been invited, they just realized that the Autobots were going someplace fun without them and decided to crash the party.

Sideswipe watched the other Autobots engaging in their activities, whether it be merely relaxing on the shore, like Optimus and Ironhide, playing in the water, like the Dinobots and Seaspray, or running around like a shrewd mother intent on stomping the fun out of everything, like Prowl was doing as his shouting at the Dinobots to stop playing so rough went largely ignored.

"Are you going to jump in?" Sideswipe looked to his left just as Wheeljack stepped up next to him at the edge of the pier. "Grimlock's getting out. Might be safe for the moment."

Indeed, Sideswipe watched as the most unruly of the Dinobots struggled to climb out of the steepest and muddiest spot of the lake's edge, refusing to listen to anyone who tried to point out that it was easier to climb out in areas where there weren't small mountains jutting out over the water's edge. Apparently he wanted to jump off of it after seeing a human do it and it never occurred to him that it would be easier to just walk around the other way.

"I don't think so," Sideswipe shook his head. "I'm a car. I don't do water."

"Yeah, I hear ya. Don't think I'd ever be caught dead in that water."

Grimlock seemed to have changed his plans once he'd finally climbed out as he walked away from the water's edge. Perhaps all that climbing tired him out? The other Dinobots continued to splash and play in the lake, Prowl having long since given up on trying to scold them for their violent splashing. Snarl submerged himself once more. The topmost plates on his back could be seen weaving about above the water, making it look as though there were a school of golden sharks stalking Dinobots in the lake.

"So Wheeljack, have you..." Sideswipe's attempt to inquire Wheeljack of the progress of his latest insane invention was quickly interrupted when they heard a loud thumping coming from behind, as well as Prowl screaming at Grimlock to stop.

Grimlock transformed into a Tyrannosaurus mid run and charged straight at Wheeljack and Sideswipe. "Dino pile!" he shouted as he smashed into them both and sent them flying out a good twenty feet or so into the water. Clearly Grimlock's intent was to get his creator into the water and Sideswipe just had the misfortune of standing too close to him as the Dinobots all converged on Wheeljack and playfully pounced all over him as he struggled to get out of the water and ignored Sideswipe completely.

It occurred to Sideswipe once he was under the turbulent waves that he had no idea how to get out. He didn't know how to swim and the shock and confusion caused by being body slammed by a dinosaur into a lake made it hard for him to process what he was supposed to do to flee the waves. All he knew was that he was now panicking and flailing about like he were on fire, except he wasn't on fire because he was submerged in several feet of water.

Sideswipe's panic at his inability to swim was soon alleviated when he felt a pair of arms wrap around him and pull him to the surface. Optimus Prime carried him out of the water to the shore and set him down gently. Sideswipe quickly expelled the dirty, disgusting lake water from his air intakes the moment he felt dry land under him again.

"Are you okay, Sideswipe?" Optimus asked with a slight hint of concern.

"Sides, what happened there? You just panicked and started flopping around like you were being attacked by piranhas!" Sunstreaker asked.

"Well...it's because...um..." He quickly came up with the first excuse he could think of. "There _were_ piranhas! Big ones!"

Seaspray quickly shook his head. "The water's too cold to support the life of a piranha. They're native to the Amazon, not North America." He stepped back when he saw the unamused look on Sideswipe's face. "Well it's true...go ask Rewind."

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say it looked like you were trying and utterly failing to swim," Sunstreaker pointed out. The atmosphere suddenly got very awkward and Sideswipe was looking away with shame. "Wait...you _were_ trying and utterly failing to swim, weren't you?" he asked.

"You can't swim?" Seaspray asked with concern.

Optimus jumped to Sideswipe's defense before they could make him feel stupider than he probably felt already. "Leave him alone, you two. We weren't exactly made for water." He looked at Seaspray and added, "Well, most of us weren't." He grabbed Sideswipe by the arm and pulled him to his feet before leaving to help Ironhide and Prowl free Wheeljack from under the Dinobots.

"So you can fly, but you can't swim?" Sunstreaker asked. Sideswipe had no idea what about this concept was so amusing to his brother.

"I own a jet pack, Sunstreaker. Not a scuba pack!" Sideswipe retorted. "And it kind of doesn't work underwater either!"

"I can teach you how to swim if you want," Seaspray offered.

"No thanks. I think I'll stick to the roads," Sideswipe shook his head.

"No really! Think about it! I can take you out to the beach where no one will see us if you don't want anyone to know!"

"Great, then no one will see where you dispose of my body when my engine floods..." Sideswipe replied sarcastically. He watched Ironhide and Optimus both dragging Wheeljack out of the water. He appeared to be deeply traumatized as a result of the playful assault he'd just suffered and was likely regretting the Dinobots right about now.

"Your engine shouldn't flood as long as you've been keeping up with your maintenance and don't have any injuries you've been keeping to yourself," Seaspray replied. "It'll be perfectly safe! I promise!"

"Well..."

"I'm a good teacher. I promise you that you'll be swimming in no time."

"I guess..." Sideswipe said reluctantly.

"Good! We can start tomorrow!"

Sideswipe was already regretting this.

* * *

"Lesson one involves physically touching the water, Sideswipe," Seaspray said bluntly.

Sideswipe clung on top of him and freaked out everytime the tiniest splash of ocean touched him. "I don't think I'm ready for this! Maybe we should practice in a swimming pool or a hot tub first?"

"You don't have lungs to drown with, so what are you scared of?"

"I can still sink though, Seaspray! Who knows what can be living down there?!"

"Oh there's lots of things living down there!" Seaspray said fondly. "Sea cucumbers, octopuses, goblin sharks, viperfish, corals, stingrays, blobfish, those creepy looking stargazer fish that have their faces on the top of their heads and and the ability to electrocute everything that swims over them...it's all quite beautiful, really."

"Says you! Half those things sound horrifying!"

"Okay, now into the water you go!" Seaspray started to tip himself over in an attempt at dumping Sideswipe into the water. Sideswipe shrieked and clung to him like a cat on the curtains and attempted to climb up onto the part of him that wasn't currently touching the water. "You have to go in sometime, Sideswipe."

Sideswipe began panicking when Seaspray started shaking himself to try to dislodge Sideswipe. "You know what? I changed my mind! There's a reason I'm a car and not a boat, Seaspray! Take me back to land now please!"

"Nope. I promised you that I would teach you how to swim today and I never go back on my promises. Now get in the water, or I'll transform and dunk you in!"

"No!" Sideswipe sobbed.

"You can hold onto my side. I won't let you sink," Seaspray replied.

"P-promise?"

"Promise."

Sideswipe reluctantly climbed into the cold water, screaming like a little girl everytime it seeped into a seam in his armor and touched the sensitive protoform underneath. "Why is it so cold? It's so hot everywhere else!"

"The ocean is a pretty large place, Sideswipe. The sun would have to burn on it nonstop for many stellar cycles on end before it warmed it up to your liking."

"Yeah, but there's all those fish peeing in it! How does that not warm it up?!"

"Because the ocean is not a kiddie pool." Once he was satisfied with the fact that Sideswipe was in the water, he decided it was finally time to start the lesson. "Okay Sideswipe. First we're going to try a dead man's float!"

He didn't like the sound of that. "Is it too late to climb back on...?" Sideswipe asked.

* * *

Sunstreaker couldn't believe he'd been dragged along on this beach trip. Sideswipe had insisted he come along "in case Seaspray tries to hide the evidence", whatever that meant, and he refused to take no for an answer. Now he was stuck sitting on the hot, smelly beach sand with Beachcomber gushing on about what a beautiful day it was just a couple steps over. He quickly began to feel as though this place were somehow worse than the lake. He at least had Beachcomber to keep him company, but the guy was so happy and cheerful about getting to walk out on the beach that it was starting to get old fast.

"Ugh...now I have sand in my gears!" Sunstreaker complained. "And all this salt in the air can't be good for my paint! How do you and Seaspray stand this crap?!"

"Sunstreaker, beaches are full of many wonderful treasures!" Beachcomber replied. "If you look closely, you might find a tiny clam digging in the sand, or a tiny crab crawling along the rocks, or a tiny sea star living in the tide pool!"

"Well at least they're all tiny so I don't have to actually look at them..." Sunstreaker mumbled. He noticed Beachcomber holding a bag of potato chips that he'd brought along with him. "What are those for?" he asked.

"Sometimes I like to come out here and feed the birds," he replied. He poured out a handful of chips, tossed them into the air, and within seconds had a small flock of varied shorebirds happily perched on him, making him look like a robotic Disney princess about to sing a song about the wonders of cleaning. "Now you try!" With an arm covered in plovers, he offered the bag of chips to Sunstreaker.

Sunstreaker seemed very reluctant to touch even a small handful of the greasy, human junk food, but he figured Beachcomber would probably nag him the entire time they were there until he complied. He looked at the chips with disgust and threw them into the air like Beachcomber had. Seconds later he was assaulted by a flock of angry seagulls.

Beachcomber watched as the birds chased Sunstreaker, screaming, from one end of the beach to the other. "Wow. I guess birds just don't like you for some reason."

* * *

"Okay, I can float without holding onto you now. Can we call it a day?" Sideswipe was desperate at this point to get out of the water and back on solid ground where cars belonged, but Seaspray was still content to keep him out in the sea.

"Floating is not the same thing as swimming. You can't even doggy paddle yet!" Seaspray pointed out. He noticed a splash nearby and turned around, pulling Sideswipe with him so that he could see what Seaspray was looking at. "Look! Paddles can swim!"

The elegant Dinobot breached the surface of the water and splashed back down within the depths in a beautiful and playful display. He shot straight up into the sky from the ocean floor and spun in the air like an aquatic ballerina before crashing once more upon the waves below. Sideswipe badly wanted to record it all and dub the Flipper theme song over it.

"Well duh! Paddles is a plesiosaur! If he couldn't swim I'd have to feel really sorry for him!" Sideswipe pointed out.

"Would you feel better if I swam alongside you?" Without waiting for an answer, Seaspray transformed into robot mode and splashed down into the water. Sideswipe freaked out like he was being held under and clung onto him tightly as though he were a flotation device. "Oh dear...this isn't the proper stance for a doggy paddle..." Seaspray said as his head bobbed up and down beneath the water from the force of Sideswipe pushing him under.

* * *

Sunstreaker was mildly amused with watching Sideswipe flailing about out on the water while Seaspray made some attempt to keep him from panicking. All the more amusing was Paddles flipping about gracefully in the background like Free Willy, completely oblivious to the fact that he wasn't the only creature in the water right now.

"Sunstreaker, why don't you come help me with my sandcastle?" Beachcomber asked jovially. He was lumping together wet sand to make the third tower. "You can dig the moat for me!"

"Pass," Sunstreaker replied in a dull tone. "Do you realize how much bacteria, slime and death is in that sand that you're playing with?"

"Yes. It's all a part of the natural balance required to keep the environment healthy," Beachcomber stated matter of factly. Sunstreaker wasn't so sure how bacteria, slime and death was something beneficial, but he figured Beachcomber probably knew more about the subject then he did.

Sunstreaker chuckled when he saw Sideswipe go under, only to resurface a moment later and drag Seaspray down into the water with him. "Well the swimming lesson looks like it's going well," he said sarcastically.

"I'm done with my sandcastle!" Beachcomber said proudly. Sunstreaker spared it a glance, grabbed a rock, and hurled it at his castle, taking out a tower and almost the entire right side with it. Beachcomber stared at his smashed castle sadly. "Why did you do that?" he asked.

"I didn't. It got hit with a meteor," Sunstreaker replied.

* * *

"There, see? You seem to be doing a lot better now!" Seaspray said encouragingly while Sideswipe paddled along next to him. "Think you can do it without me holding you up now?"

"NO!" Sideswipe screamed in a panic, causing Paddles to lift his head out of the water and stare at them curiously, the Elasmosaurus seemingly noticing them for the first time since they got there.

"Okay...I won't let you go then. But I'm telling you, you don't need me holding you anymore. You're doing great!"

"Okay, I swam. Can we go home now?" Sideswipe pleaded.

"Well, you should probably practice a little more first until you can do it on your own, but if you really want to..."

Before Seaspray could finish his sentence, Sideswipe climbed onto his back as though he were some kind of seahorse and pointed him forward. "To the shore! Now! Away!"

* * *

The sun was beginning to set, casting a beautiful orange glow on the beach. Sideswipe didn't realize how long they'd been out there. Time really flew by when you were flailing about and crying like a small child. Seaspray gladly joined Beachcomber in repairing his meteor-damaged sandcastle once they were back on the shore. Sideswipe couldn't wait to dry off and go home so that he could hopefully never speak of this again to anyone.

"Well that looked like fun," Sunstreaker said dryly as he handed his brother a towel.

"I think I swallowed sea water..." Sideswipe replied. He gagged a bit, threatening to throw the water up when it began to react badly in his energon tank. Sunstreaker stepped back to avoid getting purged on. Miraculously he managed to hold it all in and his tank settled once more.

"Ready to go home?" Sunstreaker asked once he'd regained control of himself.

Sideswipe looked over his shoulder at Seaspray and Beachcomber. They were both currently digging a moat around the castle to try to save it from the rapidly rising tide and talking about something or other. He wouldn't doubt if they were each telling each other about the psychotic Lamborghini they just had to spend the day with.

"Yeah. Let's go home," Sideswipe agreed. As they drove down the road towards the highway Sideswipe added, "And if you bring up any of this again, I'm keying your paint..."

**Author's Note:**

> Beachcomber and the birds was directly inspired by an observation someone made in the captions on his page of the Transformers wiki. That is the best wiki on the Internet, by the way. I can spend hours paging through it and not run out of entertaining things to find.


End file.
